Tuesday, April 14, 2015
My will vs God's will - how to wait patiently... :)
My maternity leave will end next 3 weeks. Yiihhaa!! But deep inside i want it ended faster. three weeks is another long time. I've spent these months counting on the days I'll be back working.
Ibu durhaka? Iyesh. Hahaha... Well, I love my newborn baby, I love my kids. Tapi berbeda dengan cuti melahirkan anak pertama, kali ini my passion to back to work is heavier. Ntah kenapa. Kalau dulu rasanya berat sekali untuk kembali bekerja. Kali ini? I really want to go back working. Serius!
But I won't be crazy by sacrificing 3 minggu terakhir ini dan hurry back working. No... walaupun udah berat banget ini di rumah, bawaan pingin keluar terus... I learned to be patient.
To be honest, ini ujian kesabaran dari Tuhan, ujian lainnya dari ujian2 lainnya. Mungkin ibu2 lain akan anggap saya gila dengan menganggap cuti melahirkan itu ujian kesabaran. But yes, for me who loves being active... this is a torture. (maap yah anak2ku...)
What do i learn this two months?
I learn that not all things will go according my plan. I must accept there are things that are greater than my plan. It's God's plan.
I'm a person who surrender with God's words. How do i know God's words? Did He speak to me directly? No. I learned His words through Acceptance.
If things not going as my will, I did disappointed at first, but I quickly managed my feeling and accept the circumstances. It's God who did not agree with me. And i should obey.
I've been failed so many times, you know... rejected by big companies which i long to work for, husband lost his job and got unemployed for three months, my oldest who diagnosed with Speech Delayed, I don't have sufficient breast milk (this is the most suffering one), and many more failures in my life.
But there are more blessings than failures. I have a wonderful family. A good husband who has been with me since 2004 and two wonderful children. A Family is God's greatest plan in my life. Nothing greater than having a family because you know, it's beyond our control.
You can't managed to have a spouse-the right one moreover having a child. Can you make a child by your own? No. Many couples can't have children, but God give me two easily. That's why I said husband and children are the greatest gift from God.
I have a steady job. Therefore i can afford my mom and family household. I have a great team at work. I'm thanking God for this, even though I feel now i'm at comfort zone. But I try to be patient this time. I want to have career changes, but again... it's my will, not God's. Why do is say it's God's will for me to stay at my current job? because during these two months, there were companies asked for my cv. And yet no feedback from them. Ah, 1 company called for interview but I didn't feel good with them.
So, i realized, God wants me to stay and work my best for my current employer. Okay God... I will do.
So many things i want during these months. I want to go travel abroad before i go back working-but i still feed breast milk. I want to have another career-but i couldn't. I want to invest in a land-but my husband still unsure with it. I want to buy things-clothes, oven microwave, a fashion watch, repair audio in my car, bag, etc - but i think of saving for my child than spending. I want to enroll a slimming program- i still breastfeed.
See, so many things can't go according my will. I have my own money to buy things i want and enjoy the travel or join the program. But I just could not. Thinking of my current circumstances, i have to wait.
I've been through so many things during my 33 years in the world. I learned and I know there will be good things in the future if I just follow God's words. He answers prayer. I truly believe this, I have faith in Him. I just have to wait patiently.
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